Zeusblog

My son is nine years old and I’m constantly amazed by the things that he and his friends get obsessed with, and the way that these things are created and marketed. It seems that these things go through a cycle: they start to appear and arouse interest; everybody starts to collect them; they pass the kiddy-crack threshold and everybody gets completely obsessed with them to the point that the inevitable jealousies, falling-outs and sometimes fights bring them to the attention of the head teacher, who bans them from school; they then fade and die, to be replaced by the new fad. I’m not talking about merchandise related to a film or TV programme, although pestered parents do spend an awful lot of money on High School Musical tat for a bit of peace and quiet, I’m talking about things that are created purely to exploit this collect and obsess mechanism.

Smelly pencils

The current must-have items that are on the way to being obsessively collected at my son’s school, believe it or not, are Smencils. What are Smencils? Why they’re pencils that smell, of course. The item fading out of favour are GO-GOs, tiny plastic characters, which I have to say, are quite funky actually. I like GO-GOs, but I’m not nine, so that’s irrelevant. And the Oh-So-Over items are Match Attax football cards.

GO-GOs protecting my car from the forces of evil

They all have something in common, which is that they are available for pocket money prices, typically around a pound a pack, and that they are collectable. They usually have some kind of upgrade halfway through their shelf-life to give sales another push, for example GO-GOs produced GO-GO Evolution models, which were the same as the other ones, but with sparkly plastic.

There are several things that amaze me about this kiddy crack marketing. Such as how can you possibly tell what’s going to work? You might expect Match Attax cards to sell, since football is so popular. GO-GOs? Well they are quite funky, but I was quite surprised at how they took off with boys. But Smencils? Why rough-and-tumble, mud-covered boys want pencils that smell of grapes is quite beyond me.

How do they get the fads started? It’s not ads. I doubt they are using eight-year old thought leaders and early adopters to spearhead the trend. It’s a mystery to me.

The manufacturers must have to be very confident. They have to have millions of the things made and the distribution side all primed as the window of opportunity is so small. Maybe there are warehouses full of bad ideas that didn’t work. And how do the sales reps prime the newsagents? “Trust me on this but the next must-have item is a pencil that smells…”

It’s all a mystery to me, but I’d really love to think of the next one…

Chalky

Julia’s prone to making random pronouncements. “I LOVE staplers” was the latest. “Aren’t buses amazing?” was another.

They come completely out of the blue, and usually express child-like wonder at something quite ordinary. She’s right, of course. The simplicity and efficiency of staples are to be admired - I wish I’d invented them, and not just because I’d be rich. And buses are amazing when you think about them… how many people you can fit on one, the logistical complexity of organising the timetable, the percentage of old ladies that ride them, nutters on the night service - they are like worlds on wheels. And of course, the eternal mystery of why they’re always so stultifyingly hot.

So while I don’t often disagree with her viewpoint, after I’ve had a moment to tune into the topic, it’s the sheer randomness of these cheery statements that make me laugh out loud.

There must be, or should be, a name for this. It’s like tourettes syndrome, but without the swearing. Can’t wait for the next one.

Chalky

Did you know that the average family of four visits their fridge 96 times a day?

Neither did I until a nice lady from printedeasy.com sent us a letter extolling the virtues of fridge magnets as an advertising medium. Apparently, and I quote, “Magnets have an uncanny way of attracting themselves to anything metal”. Well I guess that’s magnetism for you.

She also informs us that “Research has proven that fridge magnets and magnetic business cards are the most cost-effective and longest-lasting form of advertising that exists…” so next time a client briefs us to do a press ad or a poster, maybe we should get them to stop and think should they do a fridge magnet instead?

But back to that astonishing fridge fact again - 96 times a day! That’s an average of 24 visits each. That’s incredible - we need to know more - how do those figures split into mum, dad and kid demographics? If Dad and the kids are only visiting 10 times each then Mum must be going 66 times a day - no wonder she’s tired and needs a drink to unwind. 96 times a day! You couldn’t make it up - or maybe you could…

Julia and I are getting more and more annoyed with the news recently. It seems that every item has a ‘this has cost the economy blah blah million pounds’ angle. So the recent snow cost the British Economy £XXX million and will apparently be responsible for 6,000 small businesses going under. Then the snow melted and the damage to potholes will cost £250 million in London alone.

What a load of old nonsense. Who works these figures out? And how do they work them out?

I’ll tell you - lazy journalists work them out by sticking their finger in the air and thinking of a big number. And lazy viewers and newspaper readers don’t think things through and then get outraged by the huge sums bandied about. And Daily Mail readers get even more outraged by the effect it has on house prices too.

The snow didn’t cost whatever they said it did, because we’ll all work a bit harder to catch up - so it actually improves productivity. In fact, if you could put a value on the grins on everyone’s faces when they took a day off and went sledging, the recession would be over. 

And as for the cost of London potholes - well that would assume that the councils had any intention of filling them in in the first place. (That was a pleasing sentence with two ‘in’s together - it’s always fun to goad the spellcheck isn’t it?) And quite how lobbing in a bucketful of tarmac which will wear away in a month or so adds up to £1 million, let alone £250 million, is beyond us.

I could go on and on but now I’m getting worried about the cost to the economy of me writing this and you reading it - it could run into billions and affect our house prices too - so I’ll stop now.

Chalky

Every single person who visits our offices always comments on the size of our lift. When we were moving in it was a pain. Almost every piece of furniture had to be carried up five flights of stairs because the lift is so small. Chalky swapped his commuting bike for a folding Brompton because he got fed up of lugging it five floors. 

In case you think we’re exaggerating, its dimensions are approximately 38 inches wide by 21 inches deep. (That’s 97cms x 54cms in new money.) 

Actual size :)

It’s supposed to hold 4 people. But they’d have to be very thin people, not because of the weight limit (although Chalky is 100kg on his own), but just to fit into the thing. It would work out as just less than 200 square inches of floor space each ( approximately 14 inches by 14 inches for the less mathematically adept among you - just less than 36cms x 36cms in new money). Even two people have to synchronise their breathing. Perhaps we should market it as therapy for claustrophobics, or a leisure destination for agrophobics.

You may have seen that there may not be enough money to have a GB Water Polo team at the Olympics in 2012, which I think is disgusting - and Seb Coe should hang his head in shame.

Firstly, I’ll declare my interest: I used to play water polo. It was a long time ago - my days of tight rubber trunks and gumshields are way behind me now. It’s a great game (to play, if not to watch) and to take part at the highest level you have to be a hell of an athlete. Not to mention tough - although it’s technically a non-contact sport, it’s one of the most brutal and demanding games you can play. 

But my dismay at the situation is not because I feel a special affinity for water polo. I think it’s just as wrong if handball or volleyball or any of the other sports under threat aren’t funded to compete. The same applies to the paralympic sports under threat. 

Quite how we can spend billions upon billions on hosting the Olympics and not have enough money to field a team in every event (as other host nations do) is beyond me. And how cycling (which I am a fan of) can get millions and millions of funding, on the basis that they are really successful - while others struggle to compete - can make any sense is also beyond me. How do other sports improve if we only fund the ones that are successful? It’s like only allocating teachers to the brightest kids. And wasn’t the point of the Olympics that it would raise participation in sport and make us a healthier nation? What kind of message does not competing in events where we may not win send to the obese youth of the country? They’ll just carry on eating fast food in front of the telly - after all they’re not going to win anything either - unless pie-eating becomes an olympic sport.

Call me old fashioned, but isn’t the spirit of the Olympics best summed up by “It’s not the winning, it’s the taking part that matters”?

Chalky

This made me laugh when I saw it in Private Eye. I guess if you substitute “Britain”, “future”, and “bicycle” for “America”, “Michelle” and “Puppy”, then it would work for David Cameron.

I suppose it was inevitable that after Blair got in by copying Clinton’s campaign, that the conservatives’ strategy would be to do whatever Obama had done. Hence the shoe-horning in of the ridiculous line “Now for change” onto a perfectly good (in political advertising if not factual terms) poster - “Dad’s nose. Mum’s eyes. Gordon Brown’s Debt.”

“Now for change” does that mean they are cheaper now, or does it mean that they’ll be standing for something else as soon as the results of the next focus groups are in? It’s not even english. You can just imagine the meeting can’t you - “we love the poster, but can it say change?” and a room full of chinless types all nodding vigorously and repeating the word “change” over and over. And there was probably a suggestion to have “Yes we can” in there too. Although I suppose they’d have preferred it say “Yes one can”

Is it just me or does everybody think about advertising when they see the news? Watching the BBC news report last night about the plane that ditched in the river in New York, apart from the expected “wow” thought, I found myself thinking “that’s great advertising for Twitter” even though I don’t even properly understand (or even like the idea of) twitter. (The picture was circulated around the world before traditional news organisations even knew about it.) And then I saw the (branded) simulator footage of what happened and thought “what great advertising for the simulator company”. I expect the airline will probably even do well out of it.

And the other night a friend insisted on showing me his application video for that £70,000 job to live on a beautiful Australian island, and after thinking “That’s a lot of money to be paid for an idyllic 6 month holiday” I then thought “That’s very smart marketing for the Australian Tourist Authority - how far would £70,000 get you in ordinary media? Certainly not millions upon millions of server-crashing hits”. 

No doubt some terribly posh girl called Natasha or Anoushka will say that’s PR not advertising, but then she’d probably spend more than that on handbags and bellinis

Chalky