Zeusblog

There’s been a lot of speculation recently as to whether the g-spot actually exists. And although it sounds like the sort of research drunken scientists would dream about getting funding for, some scientists did (forgive the pun) look into this subject, and they concluded that it doesn’t. Lots of women (and their partners) said it did.

So who’s right? I decided there was only one way to find out. That’s right - with my iPhone.

I looked up g-spot on maps, and it does exist! As you can see, it’s just off the Strand, opposite Charing Cross Station. 

When I was at school, we had an english teacher, Mr. Patrick, who is memorable to me for three things.

1. “Bah! Cut the cackle!” was how he got us to be quiet.

2. He used to set us the task of copying out  a page of text. If we made a mistake, we had to start again from the beginning. This was a very frustrating task for us, as the more you wrote correctly, the more tense you would become about making mistakes, and so the more likely you were to make one. It was great for him though, allowing him to sit and read instead of having to try and get through to us troublesome schoolboys.

3. He used the Readers Digest “It pays to increase your word power” tests in class. These were 20 words, each with three possible definitions. It was a great way to improve your vocabulary.

Another great way to improve your vocabulary is to read anything by Will Self. I used to get annoyed by his use of obscure words, but now find the need to have a dictionary alongside amusing. This morning I was reading his book ‘Liver’ on the tube. Obviously I had no dictionary to hand, so I noted down some words that I needed to look up when I got into the office. At the risk of ridicule (I am a copywriter, so I should know loads of words) I’m listing them below. All nine were on just two pages of ‘Liver’. See how many you know. 

i. Moloch
ii. Gehenna
iii. jejeune
iv. dropsical
v. chthonic
vi. porphyritic
vii. necrotic
viii. lubricious
ix. frowsty

Answers tomorrow.

So they’ve redesigned the pedestrian crossing at Oxford Circus.

Apparently, it’s based on street crossings in Japan. According to a Westminster Councillor “Taking our inspiration from the Far East makes perfect sense as the Japanese have perfected the art of managing large numbers of people through good design and engineering.” 

And that’s not all…

“This new crossing, which will transform Oxford Circus and ensure visitors who emerge from the Tube are impressed by what greets them, is part of a whole series of improvements taking place to ensure the West End looks truly world class in time for 2012.”

Our office is round the corner, so I went to see it.

Hmmm. Looks like some different coloured tarmac to me.

But the really puzzling thing is how some tarmac and a few extra traffic lights cost £5million.

£5million. Yes, that’s what I wrote. £5million - that’s what they said it cost.

I think I’m in the wrong business…

According to this story on BBC News, 40% of tweets are pointless babble and only 8.7% have any value. I think the last figure’s decimal point needs to move to the left…

Why do radio stations keep playing the same ads over and over and over and over?

For me, it goes like this… First time I hear an ad I think “That’s new”. The next few times it becomes familiar - I don’t mind at this point, it’s a bit like hearing the next track on an album in your head a moment before it actually plays. Then it gets to the “I know this one” stage and it just washes over me. This is followed by the thought that “I like/dislike this one”, and then it goes quickly downhill to “This is starting to irritate me”, and from there to “This is actually annoying me now” to “STOP IT NOW” followed by “I will never buy anything from them ever again” and finally “What’s on the other station?”

I suppose the ideal is to change the ad before it starts to irritate. So why don’t they? It must be reflected in the sales and listening figures as well as in my irritation. Changing the ad can’t be that hard can it? They’re only radio ads. If they’ve run out of ideas, we’d be happy to write some new ones for them.

Yesterday we went to a 2012 procurement meeting and heard several mind-boggling facts which we’re happy to share with you.

Did you know that they’re spending £130 million a month building the venues? Or that that (love writing that) they’re going to increase it to £160 million a month?

The media centre alone is big enough to house five jumbo jets - but I reckon it will be more useful to house broadcasters in.

The Olympic park will have 800,000 people on site during the games.

And the security fence is 15km long and 6m high which is probably only just high enough to keep out pole-vaulting terrorists.

And my point is? Well after all the endless debates about costs etc it’s all starting to become real now. Quite exciting really.

“Pain is our friend”

That’s what is embroidered on the t-shirt of our swim coach, Paul Doyle. Apparently it’s the motto of his masters swim squad (Cally Masters). It made me laugh at 6am this morning. Actually he wasn’t too hard on us - but I still got in 4k before breakfast, which was plenty for me. I’ve now added “pain is my friend” to my list of motivational mantras, which are to be called upon and repeated in your head when working very hard in the pool, on the bike, or when I’m running and the urge to quit seems irresistible.

Others include the obvious, but effective, “I WILL NOT QUIT”, and Lance Armstrong’s “Suck it up” or “Pain is temporary, quitting is forever” or even “Is that all you got?” directed at a competitor or the pain itself (focussed boy Lance is!). And when I really need a kick up the backside, there’s always Winston Churchill to fall back on: “When you are going through hell, keep going”.

Works for me

Chalky

I had a swimming lesson from a world record holder this weekend. She holds multiple world masters records - including every distance for freestyle in her age group and the age group below hers. (Note for less acquatically-inclined readers: masters swimming is competing by age group.)

It’s probably no surprise that she’s faster than me. But it may surprise you to learn that she is 78. Yes, that’s right - 78 years old. Her name is Jane Asher, and no, she’s not the cake lady. She certainly doesn’t look like she’s in her 70s, and she is a very good coach - she even got me tumble-turning which is a feat no-one else has ever achieved. She was very inspiring.

Sir Ranulph Fiennes, the great explorer, is another great inspiration. He believes that the best way to combat the effects of age is to become more and more active. I think there’s a lot to be said for that approach, although I wouldn’t advocate going to the same extremes as Sir Ranulph, who completed 7 marathons in 7 days a couple of months after undergoing open-heart surgery!

And in the London marathon last year, I was passed on the Embankment by lots of men who looked old enough to be my dad - although to be fair I was passed by almost everybody on the Embankment; I really must learn to pace myself properly.

Whenever I see old people getting on and doing things that most people half their age couldn’t do, such as 86 year old guys doing audaxes (100km + cycle rides) or the competitor at the Tooting Bec triathlon a few years ago whose t-shirt read,”Cyril, 80 not out”, I’m inspired and realise that’s one of the reasons I do triathlons. (Others include the chance to wear skin-tight lycra and rubber )

Having written this, I really can’t be lazy and go to work on the tube today, so I’m off to get my trusty Brompton out now and pedal to work.

Chalky

We were walking past Blacks yesterday and saw a sign saying, “Closing Down Sale”. It surprised us as neither of us had heard that Blacks were in trouble. It turns out that they aren’t in trouble, although perhaps they should be with the Advertising Standards Authority - or even Trading Standards. Blacks isn’t closing down at all, they’re just stopping selling winter and skiwear for the season.

So the sign should really say ‘End of Season Sale’. But someone at Blacks has obviously got their finger on the consumer pulse (and no qualms about misleading people) and knows that ‘Closing Down’ brings out the vulture in shoppers and that we are more likely to go in if we think they are desperate. It brought out the vulture in Julia and I, so we went in. We were a bit miffed at first that they were being so blatantly deceptive. But do you know what? It worked. Not only did it get us in the shop, we both bought something. There’s a moral about lack of morals in there somewhere.

My son is nine years old and I’m constantly amazed by the things that he and his friends get obsessed with, and the way that these things are created and marketed. It seems that these things go through a cycle: they start to appear and arouse interest; everybody starts to collect them; they pass the kiddy-crack threshold and everybody gets completely obsessed with them to the point that the inevitable jealousies, falling-outs and sometimes fights bring them to the attention of the head teacher, who bans them from school; they then fade and die, to be replaced by the new fad. I’m not talking about merchandise related to a film or TV programme, although pestered parents do spend an awful lot of money on High School Musical tat for a bit of peace and quiet, I’m talking about things that are created purely to exploit this collect and obsess mechanism.

Smelly pencils

The current must-have items that are on the way to being obsessively collected at my son’s school, believe it or not, are Smencils. What are Smencils? Why they’re pencils that smell, of course. The item fading out of favour are GO-GOs, tiny plastic characters, which I have to say, are quite funky actually. I like GO-GOs, but I’m not nine, so that’s irrelevant. And the Oh-So-Over items are Match Attax football cards.

GO-GOs protecting my car from the forces of evil

They all have something in common, which is that they are available for pocket money prices, typically around a pound a pack, and that they are collectable. They usually have some kind of upgrade halfway through their shelf-life to give sales another push, for example GO-GOs produced GO-GO Evolution models, which were the same as the other ones, but with sparkly plastic.

There are several things that amaze me about this kiddy crack marketing. Such as how can you possibly tell what’s going to work? You might expect Match Attax cards to sell, since football is so popular. GO-GOs? Well they are quite funky, but I was quite surprised at how they took off with boys. But Smencils? Why rough-and-tumble, mud-covered boys want pencils that smell of grapes is quite beyond me.

How do they get the fads started? It’s not ads. I doubt they are using eight-year old thought leaders and early adopters to spearhead the trend. It’s a mystery to me.

The manufacturers must have to be very confident. They have to have millions of the things made and the distribution side all primed as the window of opportunity is so small. Maybe there are warehouses full of bad ideas that didn’t work. And how do the sales reps prime the newsagents? “Trust me on this but the next must-have item is a pencil that smells…”

It’s all a mystery to me, but I’d really love to think of the next one…

Chalky